He hugged me hard. He said, "I missed you so much."

I could not escape that moment; his crushing invasion. I was leaning on the end of a pew at my brother's wedding. Everyone was watching, holding their breath, wondering if I would follow my alcoholic upbringing and pretend the past nine years never happened.

I was sick to my stomach.

That is the moment I started to remember.

I imagine that one day I will be grateful for that moment because one day I will be set free from this shame and filth and hurt. I imagine that one day I will be so grateful for this process.

But today is not that day.


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